Free Couch!

Those free couches out on the curb might just mean it's time for you to redecorate, but for them, it's the end of a relationship. For them, it means heartache. These are their stories.
What are the odds? Both of them getting kicked out of their respective homes on the same dark night on the same busy street in the same soulless town. Actually, probably pretty good all things considered. Isn’t a baby born like every 23 seconds in the world or something? And someone dies right around the same amount of time? The numbers might be off but the idea is the same: your unique pain or pleasure ain’t all that unique, pal. So, it could be worse: they could be dead. And at least they have each other.

What are the odds? Both of them getting kicked out of their respective homes on the same dark night on the same busy street in the same soulless town. Actually, probably pretty good all things considered. Isn’t a baby born like every 23 seconds in the world or something? And someone dies right around the same amount of time? The numbers might be off but the idea is the same: your unique pain or pleasure ain’t all that unique, pal. So, it could be worse: they could be dead.

And at least they have each other.

Nights were never longer than when he was stuck outside in the freezing cold, locked out of what used to be his apartment until several hours earlier when his girlfriend found out about the small fact that he had re-activated his Match.com account and had been replying to potential dates as if he were single. In his defense, he never actually went beyond cybering.

Nights were never longer than when he was stuck outside in the freezing cold, locked out of what used to be his apartment until several hours earlier when his girlfriend found out about the small fact that he had re-activated his Match.com account and had been replying to potential dates as if he were single.

In his defense, he never actually went beyond cybering.

His things still strewn about the sidewalk, it’s evident that last night’s breakup bender did not go well. And that’s an understatement. Not even their mutual friend coming over to act as impartial mediator could save this one from becoming “the one.” The last straw. El finito. The end of ends. The you ain’t gettin’ any mo’ of this *gesturing to her hot body* type of bruhaha. At least it’s January in LA and it’s nearly 80 degrees so he can get some sun on his pasty skin while he’s wallowing in his heartbroken misery.

His things still strewn about the sidewalk, it’s evident that last night’s breakup bender did not go well. And that’s an understatement. Not even their mutual friend coming over to act as impartial mediator could save this one from becoming “the one.” The last straw. El finito. The end of ends. The you ain’t gettin’ any mo’ of this *gesturing to her hot body* type of bruhaha.

At least it’s January in LA and it’s nearly 80 degrees so he can get some sun on his pasty skin while he’s wallowing in his heartbroken misery.

Leave it to the holidays to include your 11-year relationship as one of the things that you throw out to the curb - along with the broken air hockey table - as you cleanse yourself of 2011 and prepare for the new year. 11 years of love, loyalty, commitment, fidelity (for the most part), down the drain. Now he’s stuck here next to the unwanted trash, his heart competing with the perforated face of the game table for the honor of most tragically punctured item here on the lawn.

Leave it to the holidays to include your 11-year relationship as one of the things that you throw out to the curb - along with the broken air hockey table - as you cleanse yourself of 2011 and prepare for the new year. 11 years of love, loyalty, commitment, fidelity (for the most part), down the drain.

Now he’s stuck here next to the unwanted trash, his heart competing with the perforated face of the game table for the honor of most tragically punctured item here on the lawn.

Fuck the holidays. Fuck Christmas. Fuck Festivus. Fuck Hanukkah. Fuck the whole holiday spirit, whatever the fuck that is. Fuck celebrating holiness by spending money. Fuck my girlfriend who kicked me out after our “holiday” party, which consisted of only her annoying friends playing lame-ass games involving shitty little presents that could only be interpreted as a total perversion of the holiday itself, and told me we were through. Who even says that? “We’re through?” What the fuck? So here I sit, out on the curb, with only a banana and a crushed, half-empty tallboy to my name. Merry fucking Kwanzaa everyone.

Fuck the holidays. Fuck Christmas. Fuck Festivus. Fuck Hanukkah. Fuck the whole holiday spirit, whatever the fuck that is. Fuck celebrating holiness by spending money. Fuck my girlfriend who kicked me out after our “holiday” party, which consisted of only her annoying friends playing lame-ass games involving shitty little presents that could only be interpreted as a total perversion of the holiday itself, and told me we were through. Who even says that? “We’re through?” What the fuck? So here I sit, out on the curb, with only a banana and a crushed, half-empty tallboy to my name.

Merry fucking Kwanzaa everyone.

Oh, the horror. It’s not enough that he had to to be cast aside just when the leaves turned and the autumn chill got low enough at night that sometimes frost would appear on the grass come morning. It’s not enough that he had to be thrown out of his own house in the midst of their Halloween party in which all of their mutual friends were in attendance and could watch the demise of their relationship in painful, drown-out real-time, the ultimate reality show: life. Definitely not enough shame and guilt came from that. He had to also wake up to find some random guy literally sitting on him, taking pleasure in his pathetic predicament the very next morning.

Oh, the horror. It’s not enough that he had to to be cast aside just when the leaves turned and the autumn chill got low enough at night that sometimes frost would appear on the grass come morning. It’s not enough that he had to be thrown out of his own house in the midst of their Halloween party in which all of their mutual friends were in attendance and could watch the demise of their relationship in painful, drown-out real-time, the ultimate reality show: life. Definitely not enough shame and guilt came from that.

He had to also wake up to find some random guy literally sitting on him, taking pleasure in his pathetic predicament the very next morning.

Jumping the fence shouldn’t have been that difficult. Of course, when you’re getting chased out of the house with your pants around your ankles and not wearing much else, you’d be surprised what simple tasks become nearly impossible to complete. Somehow, though, he managed to escape relatively unscathed all told. He’d even been able to grab those trash bags of his belongings that she’d been so gracious to pack for him. And maybe if he’d looked in them to realize that they weren’t full of garbage BEFORE he started banging his new girlfriend in his old girlfriend’s apartment he wouldn’t be in this situation right now.

Jumping the fence shouldn’t have been that difficult. Of course, when you’re getting chased out of the house with your pants around your ankles and not wearing much else, you’d be surprised what simple tasks become nearly impossible to complete. Somehow, though, he managed to escape relatively unscathed all told. He’d even been able to grab those trash bags of his belongings that she’d been so gracious to pack for him.

And maybe if he’d looked in them to realize that they weren’t full of garbage BEFORE he started banging his new girlfriend in his old girlfriend’s apartment he wouldn’t be in this situation right now.

Oh God. Maybe she should try to stand up- nope. Nope, definitely not. De-fin-ite-ly not. Wow. Grab onto the fence that should right the ship, maybe stop the swaying on this horrific sea of vertigo, nausea, and shame. Ugh, and of course, still wearing this godforsaken red dress. Wait, is that puke on it? Not on this velvet! No way that’s coming out. Don’t say “puke” again. Don’t even think it. “Ken.” Stop. Don’t think of him, either. Not that douchebag. Think of puke, that’s better. Hrrrumph. Wait, maybe not. Oh look, cigarettes. Thank God.

Oh God. Maybe she should try to stand up- nope. Nope, definitely not. De-fin-ite-ly not. Wow. Grab onto the fence that should right the ship, maybe stop the swaying on this horrific sea of vertigo, nausea, and shame. Ugh, and of course, still wearing this godforsaken red dress. Wait, is that puke on it? Not on this velvet! No way that’s coming out. Don’t say “puke” again. Don’t even think it. “Ken.” Stop. Don’t think of him, either. Not that douchebag. Think of puke, that’s better. Hrrrumph. Wait, maybe not.

Oh look, cigarettes. Thank God.

There ain’t no one coming by. Not anytime soon. Not on this street. Surely not in front of this house. Not after what went down last weekend, and roughly every weekend before that for the past decade. At least it had been fun while it lasted. But then she moved in with the kids. And then they got married. And then the economy crashed and everyone seemed to move out of the neighborhood. Pretty soon he was living in the basement, watching old ESPN VHS tapes he found in the closet, loving the fact that there was a brick wall between him and the rest of the brood. Fitting that she’d throw some of that wall at him on his way out.

There ain’t no one coming by. Not anytime soon. Not on this street. Surely not in front of this house. Not after what went down last weekend, and roughly every weekend before that for the past decade. At least it had been fun while it lasted. But then she moved in with the kids. And then they got married. And then the economy crashed and everyone seemed to move out of the neighborhood. Pretty soon he was living in the basement, watching old ESPN VHS tapes he found in the closet, loving the fact that there was a brick wall between him and the rest of the brood.

Fitting that she’d throw some of that wall at him on his way out.

So this is awkward. Usually it’s out with the old and in with the new. But this time around, after last night’s good-idea-at-the-time threesome turned into a relationship crisis that went way out of control fueled by jealousy and tequila, it’s out with both. The long-time boyfriend trying desperately to talk her down from the ledge as she threw him and all his stuff out the front door did nothing to save him. Didn’t save his now-former buddy, either, not even in his leather attire looking all shiny and new and sexy. Not at all what they had in mind when they thought it’d be fun to become Eskimo brothers.

So this is awkward. Usually it’s out with the old and in with the new. But this time around, after last night’s good-idea-at-the-time threesome turned into a relationship crisis that went way out of control fueled by jealousy and tequila, it’s out with both. The long-time boyfriend trying desperately to talk her down from the ledge as she threw him and all his stuff out the front door did nothing to save him. Didn’t save his now-former buddy, either, not even in his leather attire looking all shiny and new and sexy.

Not at all what they had in mind when they thought it’d be fun to become Eskimo brothers.